Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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