I cannot find my penis.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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