Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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