I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
