The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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