just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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