there's paper in my vomit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
