Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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