I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she woke up with a sticky ear
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
