did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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