I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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