Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize