I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
