Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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