I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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