Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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