Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
