The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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