I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
