Ketchup is God's man juice
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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