I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
