Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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