just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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