apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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