i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
