she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
