Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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