I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize