yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
being pregnant is like rehab
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
