I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
