Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
