meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
