you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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