It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
