I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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