my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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