So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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