3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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