You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
