The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I supernannyed him into submission
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
