whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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