Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
