He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
