First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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