i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
