haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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