I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
