i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
