I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she woke up with a sticky ear
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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