I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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