even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
