im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
