wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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