So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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