I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
