my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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