so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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